A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
