Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
