someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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