What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
