She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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