Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
