Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
