his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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