thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
