The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize