Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
