so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize