I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
