I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I fill condoms, not promises.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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