well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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