im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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