It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
