I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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