I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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