it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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