Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
