Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
