new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
