my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
