My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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