My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
