I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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