I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
