Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
