my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
