he looks like a really good dad on facebook
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
