i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
