Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
