I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
