Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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