bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
