i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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