her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
