Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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