Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
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I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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