When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
