all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
