I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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