maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
