Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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