I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.