Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
