just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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