I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
