Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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