I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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