When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
