so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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