just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
