I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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