Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
