dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
