I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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