My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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