I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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